I often feel that the story of my life has been about loving myself enough to take what I thought was my greatest weakness and turn it into my greatest strength.
When I look back I realise I was given so many blessings, but when you don’t know how to wield power, it is like putting a child behind the steering wheel of a high-powered car; a crash is inevitable.
For as long as I can remember, I have known I was a soul experiencing a human life and I was very aware of a part of myself that transcended this life.
It was a part of me that was pure awareness, a constant feeling of calm and peace.
As a very young child I had a personal mantra that I could always use to sink into a deep meditative state and sit in this pure awareness.
I wasn’t taught these things and I never told anyone about them because it never occurred to me that any of this was unusual.
I was also very intuitive and sensitive and could pick up on what others were feeling.
I felt everything and internalised it without being able to understand or process it.
I had so much information coming at me that I was not equipped to deal with and I started to feel that the world was a very scary place.
I began to feel a lot of anxiety.
I got depressed and I developed OCD tendencies as a way to get me through the day.
These feelings turned into a lack of confidence, and a lack of self love because I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to handle life as easily as others seemed to.
I looked for the love that I was lacking in everyone else around me.
I was desperate for someone to give me the love that I couldn’t give myself, but something interesting happens when you don’t love and look after yourself… you attract people into your life that don’t look after you either which only reinforced my internal dialogue that I was worthless.
But I feel like I always had someone watching over me, wanting to bring me back to myself.
When I was 17, my brother gave me a reiki treatment. I could feel a powerful energy moving through me and I saw an image of myself with bright colours all around me.
Something inside of me woke up and I knew that I had to move towards this feeling.
I joined the next reiki course and became a reiki channel, using Reiki on myself and swapped treatments whenever I could.
I devoured anything spiritual, or esoteric I could get my hands on and I started to attract people into my life who could help me understand my sensitivity and intuition.
After reading Louise Hay’s ‘You can heal your life’, and realised I had to be the one to love me.
I took her mantra, “I am perfect, whole and complete”, and made a commitment to say it to myself 100 times a day for 30 days and through doing this I felt a feeling of positivity and lightness that I had not felt in years.
My awareness was expanding.
My intuition became stronger too. I was sensing things that I couldn’t possibly have known but which kept on turning out to be true.
I began to listen to this voice and I am glad I did because one day it saved my life.
I was in a car when a voice clearly told me to slow down. I did and a second later a car missed a stop sign and flew through the intersection inches in front of me.
Pulling over to the side, I sat there with my head spinning knowing realising that the car would have gone straight into my door at high speed had I not listened to that voice.
I started to meditate again and I had the most profound experiences over and over again.
I remembered what it was like to be in a state of pure peace and bliss and I knew I was connected to all life everywhere, that we were all connected.
I began to get insights during meditation about my human life and the evolution of our planet and humanity as a whole and I felt a great peace which was able to break through the anxiety I felt.
I wanted to share all this insight and understanding I was receiving.
At 22, I announced to my flatmates that I was going to teach people about spirituality. They literally laughed and said “who do you think you are, the Dalai Lama!”
I felt so embarrassed and shut down the idea.
But I still wanted to help people and I studied acupuncture and became a Dr. of Chinese Medicine completing a degree in Acupuncture and Masters in herbal medicine.
I found a passion for women’s health, hormones and fertility and I also taught my clients about meditation and mindfulness practises and helped them uncover the wisdom that lay within them.
These conversations lit me up. I was very content with my professional life.
But in my private life I still had lessons to learn about self love.
I got married and realised my husband was dealing with an addiction.
I recognised all too well the internal pain he was in, and I desperately wanted to help, but I had to learn that you can’t do the healing for anyone else.
So I did the only thing I could do, I faced the fact that choosing this relationship (although not consciously) meant that I still had some healing to do.
The next five years were my dark night of the soul.
My home was a place of stress and sleeplessness but also a place of gratitude and personal growth for both of us and honestly, everyday I gave thanks for the blessings that lay in the challenges we faced.
The seed needs to break before anything can grow out of it and somehow this time was the catalyst for growth, wisdom and change.
I felt like I was pulled apart and put back together again.
With the help of an amazing counsellor and spiritual teachers I did so much healing of the little girl who had felt so alone and I watched her became a powerful woman, who was both calm and courageous.
I grew inner strength, self-love and self-worth.
But I also grew apart from my husband and although we parted ways but I remain humbled by the courage and strength he showed on a daily basis and I am eternally grateful that we were able to be the catalyst for so much growth in each others lives.
So, I thought I was pretty on track, but I still had one more challenge to face.
I used my imagination and desire to manifest a partner who was the perfect compliment to all that I had grown into.
I was in love and pregnant and I felt so aligned and excited for the future. I was going to be an amazing Zen Earth Mother.
After giving birth, my beautiful boy didn’t want to sleep and I was surviving on 4-6 hours of sleep a day for several months.
I just went into survival mode.
I didn’t have time for meditation or anything that made me feel aligned, calm and centered.
I didn’t even recognise myself anymore.
I had gone from loving life (even the most difficult moments) to feeling isolated, disconnected and wanting to hurt myself enough that I didn’t need to look after my baby anymore.
The anxiety and depression came back with a vengeance.
I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety and reluctantly realised I needed medication.
I felt so much shame.
I had spent so much time ‘getting my shit sorted’ and I had such expectations of the type of mother I was going to be that I felt like I had completely failed just when it mattered the most.
My counsellor reminded me to focus on our thoughts.
I had become so negative, angry at myself and the people that had turned their backs on us when we asked for help. I was living in victimhood.
But I knew I had turned my life around before using affirmations and I decided to do it again.
For 30 days I repeated my affirmation 100 times over.
“I am strength, I am love, I am health, I am whole, I am complete”. I didn’t just say the words, I felt them with every cell of my body and once again I felt the healing happen.
I returned to my meditation and focused everything on looking after me and my family.
I eventually came off the medication and focused on learning to deal with my anxiety and forgive myself for falling so far.
I realised that all the work I had done had helped to pick myself up so quickly.
When I returned to work and Chinese Medicine it was nice but something was missing.
I thought about how almost 20 years earlier I had felt called to teach people about spirituality and consciousness to help them navigate this life, and I knew that this was what I was being called to do.
It was truly time.
I had come to know first hand that when people are in survival mode everything else goes out the window.
How can we awaken as a planet if we are struggling just to get through the day?
I dreamed of a community for women who were struggling with anxiety, worry, negativity and lack of self love.
I wanted to give them the tools, insights and inspiration to help them feel more peace, purpose and meaning in their lives. I wanted to empower them to create strong families and be more present with their relationships, to build meaningful careers, greater abundance and a feeling of belonging and purpose in this world.
And so my online community and membership was born and I am so proud of the courageous women who are already using this to change their lives.
We need to be at our best, for ourselves, our families, our communities, for humanity and for Mother Earth.
We are all connected and if we are to rise and face the challenges of the world today, we need to do it all together.
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