3 Spiritual Tips for Better Relationships
There are so many different types of relationships. Romantic, friendships, colleagues etc. There is always a deeper reason as to why we form relationships with that particular person, one being that they help to bring light to our unresolved issues, but that can be deeply triggering.
Here are 3 tips to help turn relationship challenges into empowering insights.
#1. Don’t give your power to others
When we start a relationship with someone, it is because we see something in them that fits in with our lives, our wants and our needs. And I am not just talking about romantic relationships, but friendships, work relationships, even the relationship with our children too.
If we get caught up in this new relationship, there can be a heady buzz as we see this other person as the solution to all our problems and feelings of loneliness/unworthiness etc. We can start to tell ourselves stories that we project onto that person in order for them to be who we need them to be.
And even though we are not doing it consciously, we turn that person into our source of happiness and love, inadvertently cutting ourselves off from our true source of power, the sacred relationship we have with our higher self, the Universe/All that Is.
So in that relationship, we end up acting from a place of fear rather than a place of love because we have given away all our power and we need to hold on…tightly… and make sure that person keeps providing what we need.
For most people this is unconscious because what we are doing can seem ‘normal’. We see this exact scenario play out over and over again in our movies, tv shows, songs, and cultural stories.
There is an unspoken idea that someone is going to come in and love us so much that we will never be lacking.
But the truth is, there is no such relationship.
I know that this might be hard for someone to hear but there are two reasons why that can be incredibly empowering.
The first reason is….
You will find a greater source of love and power within yourself. It doesn’t mean that you need to be alone or can’t have relationships, but these relationships take on a different role. We get to enjoy these relationships for what they are and we keep our own power.
If you think about it, so many relationships start out great because the people involved are giving each other everything they need and their fears seem to disappear.
But then something changes because that sort of energy exchange is not sustainable and they say that person is not the same person they were when they first met. They are left feeling betrayed. That is the fear resurfacing.
They go to great lengths to get that love back by trying to control the other person so they get what they want out of the relationship.
It ends up in a tug of war over who is not doing the right thing and not giving the other person enough, or not making them feel special enough. But you can’t make another person feel special if they are not valuing themselves.
It ends up hurting everyone when you do not stand in your own power.
When each person enjoys the relationship but holds themselves as their own greatest lover, their is more room for each person to be themselves and greater joy and happiness can be cultivated, because you are honouring not just yourself, but the other person too.
The second reason is…
It is no coincidence that we live in a dimension of polarity. It is so that we can know ourselves in the reflection of others. On a deep spiritual level, relationships are simply a mirror to help us see where we need to grow.
If we are seeing the other person as our saviour, when things challenge us, it can be very easy from that standpoint to blame the other person for not protecting us from feeling any uncomfortable feelings.
But if we see the relationship as a spiritual contract we enter into with another person in order to help both parties grow, we can see the situation as an opportunity to shine a light on our darkest fears so that we can transform them.
This is how we grow in relationships, this is how we deepen our spiritual connection and by seeing the other as our sacred equal, even in the tough times.
We get to see them as a mirror and we can feel gratitude for them helping us see what we couldn’t see on our own.
This frees both people up to be sovereign to their own spiritual journey and human experience, even if it is perfectly imperfect.
This is true love.
And it takes deep courage to see someone as they truly are in a relationship.
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#2 Recognise your expectations of others
Each one of us has been influenced by so many different factors that create layers through which we see the world and decide what is right or wrong.
We all have different families, cultures, religions, schools, friends, and life experience. It is not possible that someone can grow up with exactly the same unconscious beliefs as another. These unconscious beliefs can lay hidden until someone challenges them.
Let me give you an example.
Imagine two people having an argument. One person believes that you need to stay and talk it out until it is resolved. That is what happened in their family growing up and it was seen as a sign of respect and care that you stay until was sorted.
The other person grew up in a family where it was accepted that you walk away until you can cool down, or maybe you don’t talk about it at all. And by having someone pursue you to talk is a sign of disrespect and badgering.
You can see how both parties could have the expectation that everyone should solve the situation their way and that they could feel disrespected very quickly.
Both people have valid perspectives of how the situation should be dealt with but if they were not able to recognise their expectations about what is the right way to deal with the situation, that will cause further conflict.
It is especially so with ideas are formed early on in the family/tribe unit, because it is a human survival instinct to fit in with our families and tribes in order to be looked after. Because it triggers something so deep and unconscious in us, it can feel not just different, but wrong.
When we pull back from a situation and recognise that we are out of alignment, we get to ask for help in seeing the truth in our situation rather than operating from a place of deep unconscious auto-pilot because we feel wronged.
Thank you for showing me this fear. May it be transformed through the eyes of love to build a relationship of love and compassion.”
#3 Sharing your truth empowers everyone
Sometimes you have to be prepared to have to speak your truth to others as scary as that can be. We can never assume that others will see a situation from our point of view.
If you are not prepared to tell others your truth of how you feel about something, then it is not fair for you to get upset about it.
I will give you an example.
I was talking to a friend once who was feeling he was not being treated fairly at work because he was given extra tasks. These always landed on his desk because he was known as a conscientious worker and the one that would make sure things got done.
As we were talking, I asked him if he had actually told anyone how he was feeling about the extra tasks and he said “ I shouldn’t have to. They should know it’s not okay”.
And I have to say that anytime I hear the word ‘should’ my ears always prick up because it can be a sign of stuck thinking.
So I said “It is not fair to them or to yourself that you are letting yourself get upset about this but you are not prepared to say anything. If you told them you were not ok with this and it kept going, that is another thing, but you can’t expect them to read your mind. For all they know you might even enjoy the extra work or be happy to do it for the experience.”
And this turned out to be the case. He explained that he was getting stressed out by the workload and the work got handed over to others. It even gave his work colleagues the chance to get some extra experience that they could put on their resume for future promotions.
It was a simple solution but the word ‘should’ had been holding him back from expressing how he was feeling and creating stress and resentment in the work relationship.
When we give voice to how we feel about something, we are honouring ourselves and the others we are in relationship with. We create space for more freedom, movement or opportunity for everyone.
Have you ever had a time when you are able to transform a relationship by seeing it with love? Leave them in the comments below, or follow the conversation on Instagram.
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